I live my life like I swim my laps.
There’s always room for another. I only need half a lane. I only need space for me.
The lane can remain empty or be filled; it does not affect me.
When someone joins me, I acknowledge them but I don’t miss a stroke. Their presence will not halt my swim. I continue.
Their speed, does not matter to mine. I keep going at my own pace, steady and strong.
If they’re there to mess around, they’ll look like a fool next to my precision. I will pass them by with grace, while they eat my waves. I know what I want.
Sometimes my lane partner makes it a competition, floundering to be the best; leaving me in their wake. They end worn-out and tired; expiring quickly.
Sometimes someone is a match; we swim together in harmony; stroke for stroke. Eventually the swim must end and we part our separate ways.
I just keep swimming.
Each time I lose another friend to death, I am still taken back by how fleeting life is. I’m still brought to my knees in tears, wishing I had made more time for them. Wishing that they were just here again. I feel too young to be mourning a loved one every year.
On January 16th my sweet friend and co-worker, Aireen, was killed in a car accident early in the morning while on her way to work at Starbucks. We used to joke about what bad female Asian drivers we were. Now I take it seriously and am really working on becoming a better driver.
Well now that you guys know what I’ve been doing with my heart I’m gonna tell you what I’ve done with the rest of me! Surprisingly, the rest is going really well!
I got a new job(!) and one that I actually consider a career. I now work as an optical technician in Redmond. I do the pretesting before patients see the doctor. I love it. I love interacting with patients and I love that I’m on Microsoft campus where all the geeks live!
I never expected the optical field to be where I ended up, but it is healthcare and that’s what I’m passionate about. The blood bank never got back to me and unfortunately this pays better anyway. Would I still someday love to work in a blood lab, wearing a white lab coat? Hell yes. But I’m being more realistic on what my options are without going back to school
So it’s clearly been awhile since my last post. I won’t be dishonest, I went though a rough patch there. No definitely nothing like when my friend, Aaron, died, but I didn’t feel like me. In fact, I knew I wasn’t living the way I choose and strive to live, and that scared me.
I suppose I’ve always been completely authentic here so I’ll just go ahead and say it had to do with the guy I had been seeing for three months. The one who helped me come to terms with Aaron being gone; the one who made me realize how detrimental my over-worrying was and fueled my drive to work on it; the one I’d been more sure about than anyone else in my life. It didn’t work out. I’m letting it be the past and don’t want to go into it but I’ll just say some people are just not ready to be better than they have been
On nights I can’t sleep, too many thoughts circling inside my head, it helps to write. Tonight I wanted to talk about toxic friendships. Luckily, I can say I can count the number of toxic friendships on one hand, but honestly that might be due to being a recluse for many years and not having many friends at all.
My first toxic friend I met around 11 years old. Karen (name changed) was a fellow Xena lover and around my age. We met online through the fandom and talked everyday. Karen had a lot of emotional issues such as manic depression and a bunch of other mental/emotional disorders. I never knew which Karen I was going to be talking to that day. Would she be at a high or a low?
There are a lot of powerful words out there. Here’s what’s been drawing my attention lately. I hope you enjoy all these. =]
I’ve had a lot of intense posts lately. I’ve gotten a lot of good feedback that people appreciate this vulnerability and, I must say, thank you for letting me know. Please don’t be afraid to leave a comment or shot me an email even if it’s just to say “I liked that”. ^.~
But you know what? We can’t talk about deep and emotional things all the time! That’s definitely something I’m trying to learn. Being too intense all the time can scare people away. We need fun too!
SO what do I want to share in this post…how about just what’s going on in my life! I’m going to do this series of “The Littler Things” just to update you on what’s going on in my day to day every once in awhile.
All my life I’ve been a worrier. Worrying about everything from big to small. Will there be something to eat? Will I make it on time? Will I be too early? Will anyone sit by me? Will he be okay without me? Am I making the right choice? Am I making the wrong choice? Soo many worries. All. The. Time.
As early as 8 years old I remember worrying soo intensely, after seeing the movie Twister, that a tornado was going to come for me that I sat out all day long on the front porch, bags packed, cat in hand, waiting for the inevitable to occur. I lived in a valley in Western Montana. There was never going to be a tornado anywhere but in my head.
Ever since I was turned 13 years old I’ve been a vegetarian. Of course the big question always posed to me was “Why”? I’ve never been morally opposed to the eating of meat. I grew up a hunter and understand the important role it plays in wildlife conservation. So why did I stop eating meat? My big answer was mostly that I didn’t like the texture. I really am a hugely texture oriented person, but this was still not the reason.
It all started when my best friend and soul mate almost died. Her name was Cora and she lived in Austria and was in a horrific car accident with her boyfriend. Cora was in a coma for what felt like weeks but was probably just days. I was devastated. All I could do was cry around the house and stare at the ceiling. I vowed that if she couldn’t eat, neither would I. And that’s where it all began. I barely ate for a week.
My best friend did wake up. She woke up and for one day everything was right with the world again. Just one day. Before I could blink her boyfriend dropped dead from internal bleeding. He had been so kind and caring. He’d taken my emails and sat them by her bedside every day. All he’d done was care for her…and then he died.
I hope you all enjoyed my post on authentic leadership. It’s become my mission in life to just keep leading by example and hopefully influencing the people around me to take down their walls and do the same. It’s extremely rewarding and reinforcing to see ones hard work actually making a difference.
I’m talking about one of my close friend’s, Justin. He’s the co-founder of Lifted Geek and the brilliant artist and brain behind all of The Flavor Blue graphics. In fact, without his support I might not have ever re-started blogging again. He reminded me how much of a therapeutic and creative outlet writing can be and also how much I like to share what’s going on inside my head.